I'm in Love with a Gay Guy – Again!

Sometimes we know, sometimes we don’t, but some of us seem to have a thing for falling for gay guys.

                The “gay best friend” may be a stereotype, but the fact remains that gay guys and their straight female friends often have a particularly close bond. One recent study suggested that this relationship works as they are not likely to be sexually attracted to each other and tend not to consider the other as competition for romantic or sexual partners. This means there is no pressure, advice is exchanged without agenda and both parties feel they can trust each other.

                However it is not always as clean-cut as this.The attraction that women feel for gay men is usually emotional, but there are exceptions – some women kind themselves falling in love with gay men over and over again. In my experience, there are a number of reasons why this happens. 

1. Easy to talk to

Women are often attracted to gay guys as they share many interests. Additionally, they might find their friend to be sensitive and understanding, comfortable with talking about his feelings and easy to talk to. However, the reason it might be easier to talk to a gay guy is often because for him, there is no pressure – he does not consider it a romantic interaction so he speaks more freely than he would on a date. As well as this, a woman who has grown jaded with dating, fed up with the men she has gone out with in the past, might find it refreshing to meet someone more in touch with his sensitive side, or who presents himself better, and may in fact end up idealizing him unrealistically.

2. Age and experience

Having said that, many women who end up in serious relationships with gay men are women who started going out with him when they were young and inexperienced. Perhaps she has no relationship to compare it to, and does not take his lack of interest in sex or his distance – not that there are always obvious signs – seriously. Religion can often be a factor as well. Many gay men are not comfortable with their sexuality and may pursue a relationship with a woman so they can have a “beard” or cover story. In fact, a shocking amount of gay men are married to women.

3. Hiding from sex

When a woman knows a man is gay, she might consider a friendship as a safe space, where there is no threat of sexual tension. This kind of relationship can be mutually beneficial, but there is the danger that a woman is hiding from more fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships that could lead to hurt. In this same way, sometimes women who attend gay bars more often than heterosexual bars might feel insecure or unready to put themselves out there. Often, if gay men are the only men she surrounds herself with, she might end up having feelings for someone, and idealize the relationship that she cannot have.

4. Winning!

This is an unusual one – but it certainly exists. Many women are attracted to the challenge of seducing a man and proving to him that he just hasn’t met the right woman yet. This doesn’t have a high success rate, as you might imagine, and can be embarrassing for all involved!


Think You’re One of These Girls?
I’m not going to give you a list of “signs he’s gay” – that would be silly and it doesn’t work. My advice is quite simply to tell you don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there to meet (heterosexual!) datesand to try and learn to trust your instinct, and know when your needs are not being met.


                For more on finding a partner who is right for you, Step 2 of the Method is an essential read.

Preconceived notions

A woman can never be in a satisfying relationship with a gay guy

What you're thinking

Being in a "relationship" with a gay guy can be comforting

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